


Mary Sue Destroys a House

by YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Series: Chronicles of Suetown (Main Series) [1]
Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Murder, Politics, Violence, homeless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO/pseuds/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Summary: I wrote this while the elections were going down in America so it gets political in places.





	Mary Sue Destroys a House

**Author's Note:**

> Please read this story.

Chapper 1: New beggings

Once in the magical location of Suetown there lived a beautiful Queen named Mary Sue. Mary Sue was as perfect as a box of 30 sugary hamsters wearing mini bow-ties, and everyone loved her. Even the mailman loved Mary Sue, and this was quite the achievement because the mailman didn't love anyone really except for himself because he was secretly the devil but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, Mary was just kind of walking around bothering the locals when a lady wearing a binbag and a summer dress and a tinfoil hat ran in front of her.  
“Begone, beggar! I've no time to talk to a person without shoes!” shouted Mary Sue grandly. Mary was wearing stilettos made of lego, a dazzling pink ballgown and a stylish hat made of TY Beanie Babies™ so she knew all about good fashion. The beggar made a disrespectful and meandering face and Mary walked away like a catwalk model who is done talking to you.

Chapr 2: Babble

Mary Sue flopped onto her bed after an exhausting day of trying not to step on cracks in the pavement, and trying very hard to crush every ant and beetle in her royal path. Mary Sue was a Princess Queen, which is basically like being God but you get to wear a pretty dress without being judged. All these lowly insects needed to get out of her way or become permanently embedded in the pavement like a juice stain on a brand new limited edition copy of Bill Nye's Autobiography Textbook.

Mary was now in her house, which was better than everyone elses because Mary Sue lived in it. Mary Sue's house was a castle made out of titatium and elmers glue, and it was full of big rooms and long dark hallways full of clutter, perfect for running up and down in. All the other residents of Suetown lived together in Mary Sue's outhouse because they were jobless and a plague on the economy. All the good residents got to live in houses because they had jobs, like mailman for example. Some aristocratic families were rich enough to just buy a tent and live outside. It was fair because Mary's line of thinking was that if you are worthless you should have to live in a toilet with everyone else. It is written somewhere in Mary's autobiography and rulebook, The Babble, and most people in Suetown owned one so there is no excuse for not agreeing.

Mary Sue organised frequent festivals such as Pie Day, where everyone had to make pies and throw them at each other, or Swapping Day, where everyone had to swap houses for the day except for Mary because she's the best. Today was Benicertofatpeople Day, where fat people were made exempt from all laws and anyone who insulted them would be put to death. This day was really bad for Suetown's population because most people just couldn't help but make fun of overweight people and roll them down hills and push them off cliffs to watch them bounce. Killing is evil, so to teach them a lesson these people would all be put to death by Mary's Royal Police. Mary loved putting people to death- her favourite method of execution was by ATM. Mary Sue was a really nice person and everyone loved her including the mailman. 

Chapter 3: A visitor arrives

Suddenly a telepathic blue bird flew through Mary's window screaming “Privilege! Privilege!” it then collapsed with disco fever and had a seizure on Mary's carpet. Mary picked it up and put it in an ornate birdcage because she's nice like that.

Chapter 4: The perplexing enemy of Mary Sue

Mary Sue got up the next day and ran over to her servant and stabbed him forty five times in the chest. He fell over and became a dead person, but it was ok because he would respawn in the basement later to serve her. His name was Sebastian, like all before him. Mary then ran outside because she could smell something burning and wanted to get in on some hot, fiery action, but was disappointed when she realized it was just the beggar from yesterday cooking a tinfoil sandwich over a roaring campfire. But then suddenly something sinister made Miss Sue stop in her steps. The beggar was sitting outside of a house made out of cardboard.

“hello” said the peasant, looking up at Mary. This was all too much. Houses were made to be owned by the government, not constructed on pavements by beggars, such is the way of capitalism.  
“hell NO” screamed Mary, pulling out a magic rocket launcher and aiming it at the house. The beggar screamed too and she smacked the rocket launcher out of Mary's royal hand so that it disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. The audacity was unbeleevable. Mary pulled out a fighter jet. She had to use both hands this time and aimed it at the house like she was about to win the most gold stars ever awarded for javelin throwing. But the beggar asshole just knocked the fighter jet out of her hands again and it was catapulted into the air before crashing into a nearby pet adoption center.

“How dare you defy your queen” Mary said furiously. She was sweating now like a bird migrating to another country who has been left behind by their bird family because they couldn't fly far enough. “You will pay for this. What is your name.”

The beggar stood up and smiled at her, using teeth. “My name is Susan Mare.” she said. “I built my own house out of the cardboard inner tubes of toilet rolls which I stole from your outhouse. It is good because it is recycling, and benefits the economy, goodbye” Then Susan suddenly slipped away behind the cardboard door of her house. 

Charpter 5: A visitor visit visit

Mary came over to Susan's house the next day and kicked the door down with the intent of entering the house. The door fell over and folded in half because it was made of cardboard.  
“Oh deer! Me door is broke, you will have to come back tomorrow when door is fixed” said Susan Mare with sadness to Mary Sue. “this door very fragile. On a happier note, did you know that I have been wearing socks under my crocs for 20 years now? Please say congratulations”  
“Congratulations on wearing socks under your crocs for 20 years, Susan Mare” said Mary Sue politely.  
“Omg! It's my 20 year anniversary, how did you know?” said Susan in excitement.  
“I have a talent for guessing these sorts of things” Mary replied modestly.

Another day passed and Mary woke up, knowing it was time for her day of retribution. People were not allowed to build their own houses in Suetown. That Susan Mare would pay.

Mary ran over to Susan's house and rang the doorbell. The doorbell screamed angrily just like I do whenever Taylor Swift starts playing. Susan catapulted through the door and said “welcome to my house! Please come in” Susan was a good friends.

Mary entered the house and jumped up and down, and then she fell through the floor which was made of cardboard. “Aw yeah, I am in the house” whispered Mary gangsterly.  
“would you like to partake in tea and biscuits? It is the favourite of rebellious people like me” announced Susan. The two stood in silence for a few minutes, staring at each other.  
“Would you like to par-”  
“WHERE IS THE TOILET?” screamed Mary, and Susan replied “over there” throwing a teacup at a different door. The door folded in half, which meant that Susan was a winner. “Take that, door!” said Susan, before remembering that it was her door and she would have to pay to get it fixed, and the local door fixer was currently rotting in a ditch somewhere in the desert. Susan sat down on a chair, which promptly collapsed. The table also collapsed. Susan was having a great time.

Meanwhile, Mary Sue was in the bathroom, filling the bath with twelve bottles of Janet extra silky limited edition buy 0 get 12 free hair conditioner. There was no toilet roll, only an inner tube. There was also a pair of nail scissors jamming the sink plughole. Mary noticed her nails had become kind of long and needed cutting, so she did what any great person would do and grabbed Susan's nail scissors and flushed them down the toilet. Mary Sue then flushed everything else in Susan's bathroom down the toilet, including the bathroom cabinet which she ripped off the wall and folded in half to make it more compact. Through these efforts, the toilet had now become seriously clogged, so Mary grabbed the toilet brush and flushed it down as well. Mary felt proud and exited the bathroom, which was now flooded with toilet water.

“Whaddup homie” said Susan, setting out tea and biscuits on the table (Susan had rebuilt it which Mary was busy redecorating the bathroom).  
“Nothing much, but I must ask; where are your pipe cleaners?” Mary enquired scholarlarly. Susan laughed uproariously at Mary's idiotness. “Fool!” I have no need of arts and crafts in this failing economy!” Mary frowned and wondered if Susan was secretly Bernie Sanders.

“Oops! I almost forgot there is an egg carton in the oven. I know you are my guest, but could you get it for me please? I am very busy eating these biscuits” said Susan. Mary smiled in a way that is difficult to describe and said “Sure thing”.

Chapp 8: Curse of the golden crispy

Mary ran into the kitchen faster than a gazelle on steroids and looked in the oven. The egg carton was inside, it was golden and crispy. Mary grabbed her machete, raised it above her head and brought it down on the oven, smashing it in half. Mary smashed the oven so forcefully that the egg carton inside flew into space and crashed into a faraway planet, destroying an entire race of hostile aliens. This shows us that Mary is a good person, because those aliens could have invaded earth and stolen all our mixtapes and killed so many innocent people, like Mary's manservant Sebastian. It really goes to show that if you just put time and effort into the things you love, you too may save the world one day.

The smashed remains of the oven burst into flames. A wall of fire spread around the room. Susan ran into the kitchen, thinking it was the delicious golden crispy egg carton, but it was actually the roaring fire Mary Sue had created.  
“Oh my satan! What the duck is just happened!!!!” yelled Susan, so upset that she forgot to use proper grammar. Mary was not prepared for this questioning. “A flaming hatchet fell out of the sky and broke the oven.” Mary said convincingly.  
“Okay, believe you I will, but only because you be my dear friend and houseguest!” Susan screeched joyfully.

“Let's get out of this burning building.” said Mary, running out of the room and slamming the door in Susan's face. Susan's smoke alarms started to scream, just like Hillary Clinton did when she saw the election results. Mary ran out of the house and Susan followed afterwards. They were now back on Susan's front lawn.

 

Chapter 5.7: Ffffuck

Mary brought out her cellphone and called the fire police. The fire police were police who were specially trained to punish fire and stop it from ruining the economy, wrecking homes and driving families apart. The fire police said “Take deep breaths. If you stay still, the fire won't see you.” and then they were on there way to beat up the fire for its damaging existence.

But it all turned out to pointless because the fire suddenly began to shrivel up and die just like my faith in humanity.  
“Wow! God hath saved this blessed house!” lisped Susan preachingly. Mary was outraged.  
“WHO?” Mary screamed, outraged. “I am the one who saved it because the fire was put out by toilet water from your clogged toilet, you useless peasant!” Susan was so shocked.  
“Omg! Thank you so much for destroying my toilet and saving my CARD HOUSE!” she shrieked.

“NO PROBLEM” said Mary with great dignity. “I accept cash rewards and compliments” Susan smiled and handed over £10 million cash. This was her life savings, and it was almost enough money to buy one whole Babybel cheese.

After that they both went back into the now slightly wet house and had tea and biscuits to celebrate not burning to death. Then the fire police showed up and Mary and Susan threw rocks at them until they ran away.  
“Let's play a game of Monopoly” said Susan, bringing out a Monopoly board and slamming it down on the table. There was a dice, some counters and some cards.  
“Oh no, where the monopoly money?” asked Susan in a confused way, looking at Mary with a complicated face.  
“I have no idea” Mary replied. But then she snuck a glance into her pocket while Susan was looking at some gum on the ceiling, and Mary realised that the £10 million cash Susan had given her was actually just monopoly money. She knew this because the banknotes didn't have her face on them, instead they had a face that was like the Pringles man only worse, and he was a dumbass old man who didn't even wear a monocle. Now she would never be able to afford that Babybel cheese.

Queen Princess Mary Sue looked outside of the window and saw that it was beginning to get dark.  
“I must destroy this blasphemous house before nightfall” she said to herself in earnest. Susan laughed. “What a hilarious joke!” she yelled. Mary had a headache.

Chapter 24: Big massive rock

It was at this point Mary noticed that the ceiling was made out of the cardboard inner tubes of toilet rolls. Mary came up with a great idea: “Excuse me Susan, I have to go to the bathroom and I think somebody broke your toilet so I am going to pee on your lawn outside.”  
“Nice.” said Susan.  
So Mary went outside to Susan's back garden which had a big pile of rocks in it. Mary picked up a giant boulder that was probably almost as big as the universe itself. “I forgot I had superpowers this whole time.” said Mary. She carefully placed the boulder on Susan's roof, and then went back inside to finish eating a biscuit. But as she sat down, the roof began to fold in half.

“Oh no!” said Mary. “Your rooftop is folding in half! I wonder how that happened.” Susan began to panic. “Oh no! When my house collapse, I will be the saddest people because I won't have nothing!!!!” she said, sadly.  
“Don't be so double-negative” Mary replied kindly. “You stay right here and wait while I save our most valuable possessions”.

Susan ran outside, breaking all the rules again. This reminded Mary she must do what needs to be done. Mary ran back into the kitchen and picked up the machete from the charred remains of the oven. The water from the flooding had put out the machete's fire, but there was no time to re-light it. Everything in Susan's house was starting to collapse and fold in half under the pressure of the sinking roof. It was like an origami festival fever dream. Mary ran outside just in time like Indian Jones as the door was collapsing. Susan said “Omg, the house is dead. We are funeral now.”But Mary wasn't listening because she was too busy thinking about what to wear to Susan's funeral.

Chapter 9: Oopsie

This was it. The house was finally destroyed, and now it was time to put an end to the wicked Susan Mare once and for all. 

Mary tapped Susan on the shoulder with her machete and Susan turned around with betrayal. “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” she said owingly.  
“What's yo problem, gurrrrl?” Mary screamed, waving her machete around like a magic wand of sparkly death. “First you build a house and claim it as your own, and now you are not doing dying even though I hit you with a machete!”  
Mary breathed heavily for a moment, processing this information as if for the first time, like my grandma's old computer. She then continued: “I have no choice but to put yo rule breakin' ass to death. But before I kill you, I want to thank you for having me at your house. I had a great time, and the biscuits were really nice.”

Mary then bopped Susan on the head with the machete. Susan fell over and began to bleed a little bit, kind of like when you're out partying and you've had a bit too much fizzy lemonade, so you try juggling a few knives but then someone gets in the way of your juggling and they accidentally get skewered and suddenly the knives are ketchup and everything is ketchup. And then you have to wear orange for the rest of your life, which sucks because orange is the worst colour of them all, and you have to live in prison which is like a children's home but for adults with tattoos and big scary drugs and no fizzy lemonade ever again.

Susan was still alive. Her blood was runnning down the cracks in the pavement like rain but it was red and coming out of her face. Mary wondered if she should just bury her now and have the funeral early because she was taking such a long time to die.  
“Why had you does this?” whispered Susan Mare, looking up at her in the moonlight. Mary scoffed.  
“I already told you, because you break the rules of your queen and you built a house out of MY cardboard”.  
“You wouldnt kill me just cuz of dat. I htink your just jelouse off meh.” Susan said. Mary Sue whispered “I'm not jealous but you are too perfect and there can only be one perfect person and she is me so I have been trying to kill you this whole time. Oopsie.”

Mary then walked away, leaving Susan out to dry on the pavement like an old chair nobody wants.  
Her house was now just a flat piece of cardboard with a boulder sitting on top because it had folded in on itself so many times. Mary Sue then went home and shot Sebastian in the knee, falling asleep to his screams of anguish as soon as her head hit the pillow. What a great day.

To be continued...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story.


End file.
